Day 3

DAY THREE OF GIVING UP NC.

Less of an issue today. Had lots of homework and of course family issues to distract me. Getting called childish sure takes your mind off of things. Did a ton of writing and reading, distracting myself from anything that could possible harm my ways of thinking. Took a bath, relaxed- stayed chill. Using this blog to feed my writing needs. And Trail of Cinders as well. Such a helpful site.

s1.zetaboards.com/Trail_Of_Cinders/Index

Either way, still surviving. I have Driver's ED at 5 in the morning- so yay more distractions! Wrote a poem yesterday as well, still feeding my writing withdraws. Poems and stories aren't near as fun as RPing.

In fact, they suck compared to them.

But I keep going.

...

Cheers.

DAY 2

DAY TWO OF GIVING UP NINPOCHO.

Second day without Ninpocho. In order to keep my sanity from not being able to RP or write in general, I'm going to be blogging about my feelings day after day without my vital entertainment. Second day, I'm having strange urges to do household things I normally try to avoid such as: Laundry; Dishes; Cleaning my room; and Cooking. I've been listening to a lot of music, drawing, and texting. Mostly laying around and not doing much with my time- basically wasting it in any way possible. Nothing really healthy yet.

My goal is to start working out as an entertainment activities. Learning Buono! dances and such. I'm missing the overall experience as a whole. Withdraws are painful. Urges to break my own rules and go back- but still standing! Fighting through the pain! Though, it's not the most comfortable thing.

When school picks up, I suspect it will get easier. Especially when Drama comes back into play [lol pun]. Either way, finding as many random reasons to write, though it's not as fun by myself. Attempting to think of people I know in person that I can write with, and failing. I don't know enough good writers! D: Shame, really. I even considered Mr. Slotegraaf. Which, would be too weird, so I decided against it.

RPing is a rare thing in Hart. Not many people really appreciate it as much as I do, so I seem to be at a loss overall. Hard to deal with, seeing how RPing was a part of my life for just about 4 years. Which, is a LONG time to be doing the same habits day after day. Perhaps this will be healthier for me. Maybe not? Who knows.

-Still Alive

Once There Was A Man

Once there was this guy,
A nice guy, really--
And he met this girl.
An incredible girl--
truly amazing.
So naturally this guy,
falls head over heels for her.
Pretty soon..
they're picking out china patterns and rings.
Then there is a wedding.
And the starry-eyed couple
rides off to what is sure to be
a rosy future.

Okay, so now some time has passed.
And this guy is living in the future.
And he is still married to that girl
But now their life is full of lots of stuff--
Appliances, bills, and loads of laundry
and home repair projects.
But between the to-do's and have-to's
There are those moments....
When this guy looks around him.
He looks at his still truly amazing wife
He looks at their life together
All the ways it has grown in many ways.
And the responsibilities he now has.
And he thinks to himself...

"So this is my life..."
then he thinks...
"I am one heck of a lucky guy."

Dear Boy Who Will Never Know How I Feel

Te Amo Tanto?

Dear Boy,

I guess, if your reading this and you like me back, you're thinking you are the one? You are thinking that you are that boy who I throw my heart at. The boy who stares at me when I walk down the hall. The boy who makes my heart pound faster than it should. Maybe you think I like you. Because I smile at you whenever I can, just to feel the rush in my veins. Because I'm the girl that draws you pictures you can never have. I pretend you want to be my valentine, because I'm scared to ask. I'm the girl who prefers those who can be humorous, yet mature. I like the theater guys that love to dance and sing. I like the guys who have confidence- but not a cocky amount. I like the ones who are intelligent, but not a smart-alec. I like the ones who are romantic, and would bring me a flower, or take me to prom. The guy who would sing as loud as he can with me as we drive down the road. The guy who would hold my hand in a movie theater and *actually* watch the movie. Or perhaps one that would sled down the biggest hill we can find, all bundled up in snow gear. The one who looks amazing in a tuxedo, and matches perfectly with my dress. Perhaps not the tallest guy, but most definitely cute.

He's loved by everyone- and I can't help but be jealous. I pray every night that he thinks about me- even though I hate sappy teenagers. I pray right now that he reads this and knows just who he is. If you're still reading, thank you....

I like him because he's unique and original. He can talk to me about anything- and he does. He doesn't mind telling me about what he's upset about- or the people who bug him. He's told me about situations he's been in and I helped. He's laughed with me about the stupidest game (That I still want to learn). I could spend all day with him, because there is always something to talk about. Moments with him I will always remember, even when he leaves this little 'ol town. The thought saddens me. Maybe after he's gone, I'll realize how silly all of this was.

Or will fate bring him back?

I will I ever learn my lesson? Of breaking my heart over people that later in life just won't matter? What on Earth makes me think you will be any different?! Is it your kindness? Your compassion? Your sensitivity? Oh... I hope that if this ever works out that you won't break me as bad as I've already been broken. But in case you are reading this, let me tell you a few things you should know:

My eyes are not blue, nor are they gray. They change colors with the clothes I wear. I prefer white roses to red, but pink is okay too. I like to watch movies on dates, not pay money to kiss in the back. I love to hold hands- but I'm scared to make the first move for a while. My favorite color is white, and it hasn't changed in quite some time. My favorite music is techno, especially Daft Punk and Darude. I love to sing, and I quite often will in public. If you are ashamed of me, I will no longer be around. I am a spontaneous ball of complete and utter fun ready to burst into extreme fits of laughter and joy. I love it when people play with my hair or my fingers. My secret ticklish spot is when you run your fingers slowly down my spine. [I expect many have stopped reading, so I have no fear.] I hate the colors brown and yellow- but if you wear it it's okay. When I go to dances-- guess what! -- I actually dance. I prefer Pepsi over coke, but I don't mind coke [Sometimes I mix them... :)] My favorite smell is Old Spice [Yes the Deodorant... XD]. I HATE Horror/Scary films! Anything with blood and things that pop out-- NO THANKS! I really love comedy :). I think fireworks are romantic. I love going to the beach!

Are you still reading? Thanks :) If you are, could you leave a comment? It doesn't even have to say anything special. I will accept: "..." I just want to know who actually cares about my rambling. :D Thanks!

So... I wonder if you've read this? You're not on Facebook often... You probably haven't... but I'm going to pretend you did. I'm going to pretend you feel the same. I'm going to pretend you're smiling as you read this. Thank you to those who have read this far. Thank you, boy, for being there in my life and putting a smile on my face.

Love,

The Girl Who Is To Scared to Confess

Now, I would like to say the man who is responsible for making me feel this way commented on this [unknowingly] saying what a wonderful message it was.

Too bad he didn't know it was him. :)

Dear Little Girl

Dear Little Girl,

I hope you love my hair. I hope it makes you smile. I hope your thankful for the sacrifice I am making knowing your out there glad you get to own hair once more. I hope your happy that I donated, though many told me not to. I hope you can smile because you won't be stared at. I hope you stand on the beach and let the wind push it from your face. I hope you brush it in crazy styles, like I once would. I hope you put barrettes and ribbons in it, and make it as pretty as you are. I hope your friends gather around and help you do it up. I hope you laugh with them and braid their's as well. I hope you don't fret that it's not really your hair. I hope you accept it like your own. I pray you are happy, no matter where you are. I hope you think of me when you feel the lightly sun-highlighted hair. I hope you pray every night to God, to let him know how happy you are. I hope I will hear those prayers some day.

Perhaps, little girl, you are no little girl. Maybe you are a teenager?

I hope your boyfriend kisses your head lightly, and runs his hands through your hair. I hope you primp up yourself in the mirror for a nice day at the mall with your friends. I hope you giggle all hours of the night about how cute that boy was there. I hope God catches your tears every night, and I hope that He can put a smile on your face. I pray your parents will be happier, knowing you've been granted with my locks. I hope you think of that girl walking around without the seventeen inches she gave to your. I hope you curl it, crimp it, straighten it, dazzle it, and tie it. I hope you braid it, play with it, and love it- all as I once did. I hope you twirl the ends of it embarrassedly as you are complimented on your beauty. I hope you realize how beautiful you really are.

But, perhaps teenage beauty, you are no teenager. Maybe you are a woman?

I hope your husband caresses you in your sleep as he whispers in your ear. I hope he gently plays with your hair as he lays that perfect kiss on your lips. I hope you get a million compliments on the hair I've given to you. I hope you spend time to care for it as I wish you will. I hope your children get their hands stuck in it and giggle to themselves. I hope you brush the end of it against their faces, and tickle the gently. I hope you run your hand down it and realize how gorgeous you are, woman. I hope you smile when you realize that I wanted you to think that.

I hope all of you love it as much as I did. I hope you all have a Merry Christmas. God be with you.

Love,

A Hopeful Teenager

Life's Little Lesson

Have you ever noticed what people say? When you're young you grow up think there is a specific order. You grow up with family. You create a strong bond with your family. Then you go to school and make new friends. And in elementry, you start serious education, and get your first crush. In middle school, you hit the teen years and you start gossiping, and it's the step where everyone grows up.

But in Highschool...

EVERYONE is supposed to get a date. Then they get their hearts broken. And they do it again and again.

That's what the movies say.

Then you get out and you go to college, and/or get married.

Why?

You get married in your 20s or 30s, and you've got how much of your life left?

A Whole Freaking LOT.

So, why are we taught that? Why are we taught to marry young? To tie yourself down to someone for at least 40 years?

Maybe MORE?

That's a LOOOONG time. Sure it may be the love of your life. But, what do you do after that?

Work. Kids. Husband. Sleep. Work. Kids. Husband. Sleep. Work. Kids. Husband. Sleep. Work. Kids. Husband. Sleep. Work. Kids. Husband. Sleep. Work. Kids. Husband. Sleep....ect.

Yeah...um... exciting much? No not really. I'm rather optimistic, and free, and...

Honestly, as much of a skank I sound like, I'd rather date people until I'm like 30, then settle down. And let life bring me the man of my dreams on it's own time

Holy free time, ya know?

Especially as an actress- so I want to be.

Just remember, you've got a life for a reason.

Conflicts, Heartbreak, and Envy

"You don't know my name.

You don't know anything about me...."

So, my best friend:

Kassidy Bowen

Went into the hospital recently to get her appendix out [Best wishes for her!], and me and my other friend went out there to see her. Of course, my friend had to stay with her for about 3 hours, just them, before I got to go. She didn't even come to pick me up- she sent her father. JUST her father. Who does that?

Either way, so my and her father have this lovely conversation about her and what do ya know?

She a compulsive liar!

GRRR!!

This girl used to be my best friend. And I'm sitting her, telling her father everything she's ever told me and he's saying: "No, that's not what happened. No I didn't say that. No she did that."

Blah Blah Blah.

WHAT THE--?!

So I get to the hospital, and I have to pretend I don't hate her from the inside out. And I smile and talk to my dear Juliette like nothing is wrong. Even though I want to punch the little priss in the face. And I just act my way through it.

The entire time we're there, she did the same thing she always does.

I state something.
She tells me why I'm wrong.

"You'll be out tomorrow, I'm sure!"
"No she won't. My brother was here for 2 weeks." [She got out the next day.]

Then, after being with her for 6 hours STRAIGHT, she says, "We should leave, I want her to rest."

She was there for SIX F'ING HOURS. I was there for ONE.

My thoughts were like: 'I hate you. I hate you. I hate you...' I had to compact all my feelings until I got home where I wrote her a very angry and hurt letter.


"Dear Susanna,

There is always a time and place. Always a moment in time. But somethings don't fit together, no matter how much you force them. After a long conversation with your father have have grown tired. I'm afraid that I cannot just keep doing this. I've come to the conclusion that I can not continue to be anything more than kind strangers. You and I are puzzle pieces that do not belong together. It seems like we are constantly disagreeing and getting in small pointless disputes over stupid things. We never see eye to eye are our personalities are completely opposite. The sad truth is opposites really do not attract. We have this constant friction going on between us. Almost like we're trying to beat out each other. And I don't want to live like that. I don't want to have a friendship that is carried on through stupid arguments and disagreeing. We both always want to be right- it's human nature. However, you and I are much more persistent about it. I just don't think I can contain myself much more. I have a temper with you that I never have with anyone else. Sometimes the things you say and do I absolutely hate. That doesn't mean you are in the wrong- I just have a strange temper with you.

I sometimes feel like you are rarely honest with me. I am not sure how to put that kindly, but I mean it in the best of ways. I just feel like our relationship is a constant debate team. Like the things you say and the facts you try to prove have no meaning in the end but a feeling of egoism against me. I may be twisting things- but no one likes to feel that way. We've tried so many times to fix our relationship and it's just not working. I don't believe it can be fixed anymore. We have different opinions, views, lifestyles, friends, habits, and personalities. You are almost the complete and opposite of me. It's just not going to fly anymore.

Don't think this is easy for me. It isn't. I hate it. I don't want to admit it is going to work. I don't like admitting that we don't fix each other. We completely rebel against each other. It needs to change. For the good of both of us. I'm sorry. I just think we've changed so much that it's not even worth trying to fix. It's not even worth attempting. It's sad that your father had me realize this. I just don't want to hear excuses anymore.

I'm sorry.

Lie to me once, shame on you.
Lie to me twice, shame on me.

Jennifer"

The little bee-yotch had the AUDACITY to say:

"I can't believe you when you say that you don't like to tell me all of this...it seems like so much of what you have written like how we are opposites have different lifestyles and friends and such are all your own excuses, even if you don't even know it. If you truly just don't like me there was no need for you to have to write such a letter. To tell me such a thing has come from a conversation with my father shows me the truth. No matter what the conversation was about or included. To think that because of it you realized your disdain for me tells me that you must have been harboring these feelings for longer than you say. And to tell you the truth to have you say that this friendship isn't even worth attempting to fix also shows me your hate. And i know that you are not at blame, i am sorry that we have wasted so many years when in the end you feel this way. I truly hope that everything works out for you."

She also played the: "Oh, poor me~ Someone help me off my throne~" Card....

"As far as the constant battles and debates between us go I understand and i see what you mean but honestly I try to debate with you to feel equal not superior, and i am sorry that i may have been pushing it to far but face it, you have more friends, you are more confident, you have plans, you are a 'queen bee' in a way, you are prettier and you are overall more fit for this world. I am simply here as a visitor trying to fit in, but i just don't, perhaps God put me here as a test subject to see if i could force myself into the crowd or perhaps i am not even supposed to be here at all, but obviously my attempts to equalize myself have made you feel lower."

I just can't believe her anymore....

Who can blame me? I feel cheated, hurt, and disrespected.

Either way, back to my point.
The little girl has spent every single second of her free time with Kasper.
How on EARTH am I supposed to get to her? How am I supposed to be able to squeeze in some alone time. I definitely DO NOT what Susi there. No way. No how.

I had made plans with her last Friday....
Drama got in the way.

I have built up so much hate.
I DO NOT like being LIED to.
DO NOT.

Especially when she said just second before I found out the lies:
"I would never hurt you. You mean so much to me. Thanks for being my friend! I love you!"

...

I don't like to hate....

But is that what I am feeling?